muse: time heals all?

time heals all.
that’s what they say.
I want to believe it, but how long will it take?
I know patience is a virtue, but clearly not mine.
I don’t know if I’ll be alright this time.
it’s been months and I thought I was over it, then I crashed and remembered all of it. tired of sleepless nights and indifferent days. sick of fighting the fog that’s in my brain. tried to dig myself out of this hole; figured I could just make my own heart my home. absent folks, fewer friends, my will at it’s wits end. smile all day, cry at night, rinse repeat again.

by day I’m the girl with the bag full of jokes. by night? a husk, choking on her own hopes. I looked past all the clouds for the silver lining and chased the rainbow but it had no end. I’m scared of the light at the end of the tunnel cuz last time it was a speeding freight train. but there’s a glimmer somewhere in my field of vision and I choose to believe it’s the eye of the storm. I don’t know how I’m going to get help or stop crying but I know I’ll be damned if I don’t find my way home.

broke my heart in seventeen different places. I just wanted to glue it together again. but im scared; live in fear. it’s not safe out here. every one seems like danger; shadows everywhere. smoked til my throat dried and took the tears in my eyes but the pain… the pain would not go away. called the doctor, told my mother, fell asleep on a train. lost count of the days, woke up in a daze, wasn’t sure what was real or just in my brain.

curled my hair, donned my shades, lips crimson red. now no one can tell my soul is dead. Dying. almost there. hanging in there. by a thread. did I make my bed? don’t know. don’t care. I just want to be there. safe. warm. my only escape. from a world that’s too dark for my particular taste. rise, rise, rise up from the ashes. leave the dirt and fly high like the mystical Phoenix.
fight, girl. fight.
you have to get better.
you have to move on.
have to shake off the fetters.
or die trying.

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